Musings and Apprehensions [Chile]

[Chile]

Was it really alright to do this?

Every night, whenever he goes to bed... Right next to Ecuador, the one person he had loved all these years, ever since he first laid eyes on him when they were children... He couldn't help but think. Was it really alright for him to confess his love for the other? Was it really alright for him to ask him to move in, so that they may live together?

Most of all, was it really alright that everything happened so fast?

He wasn't usually so pessimistic, but in this situation, he just couldn't help but think negatively. Everything was all perfect, so perfect that he couldn't help but think that there was something bound to go wrong. There was nothing so far that didn't go according to his plan (considering he even had a plan in the first place- he merely rushed into this without really thinking anything out), and there wasn't even that pesky older sister of his lover's to stop him. Of course, that may have contributed to the fact that she's... somewhere, not like he really cared where exactly, but he was pretty sure he should have had a berating or an insult or a threat of "if you hurt my brother, I'll kill you" by now... and there wasn't.

Everything was far too perfect.

He only realized that he was moving too fast when he really had the time to sit down one day and think things through. He didn't know what compelled him so- perhaps meeting that woman and realizing that his love for his best friend was indeed real was the one push he really needed. He had been in love with him ever since he met him, but he was too embarrassed to even attempt to show it or hint at it. In fact, he even went so far as aggressively insisting that he was heterosexual, to avoid and remove all and any suspicions.

But most of all, he had been afraid of rejection. Terrified, in fact.

It had been the whole reason for his egotistic, arrogant façade. He pointed out all of his achievements, everything good about himself, just so he could get the approval of people. In truth, he was highly insecure, seeking approval just so he could prove that he was worth something, see if someone actually appreciates him. He had never meant to come across as being egotistic, but it seems that it was what he was known for.

And true enough, what he feared happened the most: rejection.

Naturally, people are irked towards egotistic people like him. While he hoped for something, the opposite happened. So he shut down. Pretended like nothing was wrong, that nothing bothered him, that he wasn't hurt and broken and destroyed slowly inside every time someone puts him down or tells him to shut up. He had experienced rejection so many times, he had just been afraid to truly open up, to show people the real, kind-hearted, loyal Eduardo. Most of all, he feared rejection from the one and only person he had truly loved.

Because if he too had rejected his real, genuine feelings... he would have been better off dead.

Which is why when he finally got the courage to tell him and blurt out his feelings, he had been praying silently to God all the while. He was so anxious, so scared, that he would reject him... that there was nothing raging through his mind but prayer. And when he had answered that he, too, had loved him back... he felt like he had just set foot upon seventh heaven. And almost immediately after, he had told him to move in, which he was relieved that he actually agreed.

But he still couldn't help but think that everything has been so rash. What if something went wrong now? What if someone were to take him away? What if he suddenly says something wrong, which would completely enrage the other and refuse to talk to him anymore?

Anything at this point could go wrong. One wrong step, one wrong word... and everything will come tumbling down.

But of course, he isn't going to allow that to happen. He had waited for this moment all his life, and he wasn't going to allow Ecuador to be taken from him just like that. He will fight when necessary. And though it might sound too extreme, he will kill if necessary. This was just something he's been wanting ever since he laid eyes on him, and it wasn't something that could be taken or ended so quickly.

And while he thinks they might be moving too fast... he really didn't care. Just as long as he's with the love of his life (literally), he's going to be alright. Everything's going to be alright, so long as he starts planning for things from now on.

He wasn't going to be rejected again. And he's ready to prevent any such thing from happening.