|
|
Post by iggy on Feb 12, 2011 22:09:25 GMT -6
He was nervous.
He had been nervous for months, ever since that beautiful, glorious, perfect, fateful day of judgment.
Arthur closed his eyes, leaned back in his chair, able to just think for the first time in a long time, safe behind a locked door in a familiar room.
He could remember so clearly, that day... That day that he knew would change his life. He had been so depressed in the morning, so forlorn, so... insecure. That part, he thought to himself, hasn't changed... But the sun was glorious on that late summer afternoon, the garden bright and healthy as the man he loved, the one he knew he couldn't live without, took a single knee, asked him to marry him, to stay with him for the rest of their lives, and he didn't even stop to think before he accepted, almost sobbing with joy.
But... later... not even the next day, he started thinking. Damn everything, he started thinking. Arthur wasn't sure what made him think that his relationship with Francis would even resemble successful, or functional. He couldn't remember any time he was really truly honest with the Frenchman, save for a few times when he was angry, or wasn't quite thinking properly, and any time he said the words "I love you" or "I can't live without you."
That, he knew, wasn't even the greatest complication for them.
Eva, the woman that he just kept coming back to. The one who knew him as well as he knew himself. He loved her so much. Where he was weak, she was strong, and when both of them were bloodied, beaten down and couldn't stand (literally or otherwise), they held each other up. So many times, without her, he would be lost.
Even in his earliest memories, Francis had been there, just around the corner, across that little bit of water between white cliffs and sandy beaches. Their dealings had been... less than pleasant... but they shaped him, molded who he was and would forever be. As insane as it sounded, he defined himself by his relationship with France for ages.
For the last three hundred years, Eva had been there to pick up the pieces of Arthur that had been beaten off of him.
Without either one of them, he wouldn't be a whole self today. And suddenly, he had to choose.
So he chose. He chose not to choose, and prayed that they would both understand.
In retrospect, that wasn't his wisest decision.
There had to be something wrong with him, he decided. It had to be him, that was the only reasonable explanation for his indecisive heart. It made no sense, he couldn't decipher it... but what kind of horrid, selfish person couldn't just be happy with one spouse or lover? What was the dysfunction in him that made it so impossible for him to choose? He almost didn't want to know.
Whatever the cause, he could come to only one conclusion: he alone was the source of the misery of those he loved.
The insidious voice that lived in the back of his skull told him what was wise, he thought. If he is the thing that hurts them, it's horribly selfish to keep hurting them so that he can be happy. What kind of love is that, then, based on one party sucking the other dry? He was a parasite, worthless, unable to survive without emotionally draining those around him.
His more reasonable self clouded by self-doubt and depression, he reached his conclusion.
Leave. Run away, just like always. They'll survive. They'll be better off with him gone. After all, the most logical way to make someone stop hurting is to remove the source of their pain. He could do that, at least.
Either that, or be responsible for their misery forever. They deserved the chance to be happy. He had given up that right long ago, when he chose to begin living on the happiness of others and bleeding them of their hope and light.
They would hate him, at first, be angry with him for doing something they thought was selfish and stupid. That was alright, though. Eventually, they would understand, move on, and see that they were better without him. He didn't want their forgiveness, though - that should be reserved for people who can heal the damage they inflict. He was past that stage.
Yes, they would be alright in the end. He would disappear, leaving them to go on with their lives and be happy.
They might even thank him someday.
But he wasn't going to count on it. |
|
