Why? [North Korea]

[North Korea]

For the purposes of this oneshot, I will be writing it in first person. North Korea really wants to rant, and to do that, I want him to take over.

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WHY?

Why can't things just go back to the way they were?

My brother and I... my brother and I. The two of us. We were happy. We were happy in each other's arms, we were happy in our land, we were happy and content with taking care of our people. Hell, we were joyful. We did everything together, and sure, I scolded him a couple of times. Okay, maybe a lot of times. But we were still happy to be with each other.

We were happy. We were content. We WERE REALLY, REALLY, REALLY HAPPY AND CONTENT. We were content that even though we had very little, we were still together. We were happy with the fact that even though we had to work hard, together, we could provide for ourselves, and our people. We were innocent, not having to care about stupid fucking things like politics and UN and all that shit. We were barbarians, and we were happy with the way we are.

Until... until colonization and exploration happened. Until the west discovering Asia happened. Until Russia and Japan having a conflict happened. Until Japan conquering us happened. And it was, for the first time, that we had known we were not allowed to be barbarians anymore.

I have stopped smiling genuinely, purely innocently and genuinely, since that day. I knew we were going down the path of destruction, of inevitable chaos. The moment Japan, in his black uniform, stepped into our country and took control of us... we knew our life as kids was over. We knew we had to open our eyes to more pressing matters, and be forced to mature at such a young age, be forced to mature even when we didn't want to, be forced to see and experience all of the things that kids our age shouldn't be seeing or experiencing.

And to be honest, I was not ready. I was forced to mature early on in my childhood. And so was my brother. We were both not ready. I don't think any of our people were ready, either. But it had to happen. Who would have known? It was all so sudden. Suddenly, we have this tall Asian, and this tall white guy, talking about how to divide our land. What could kids like us do? We couldn't protest. Hell, we weren't even aware of what they were doing. We were mere kids, knowing nothing in the field of fighting, of conversing with other nations, of negotiation, of pledging allegiance to another nation. We knew none of those things. And yet, we were forced to know.

Why is God so cruel to me? Cruel to us? What have I ever done? I know he exists, I know he's up there, but I bet he's enjoying this one hell of a show. Because apparently, he loves making my life miserable. I cannot tell how many prayers I've prayed, how many times I've done penance and asked for forgiveness for every little sin I have in hopes that that was the root cause and if I can confess and pray to God about it, that he would stop everything that was going on. And yet, God was silent. Even until now, sixty-five or so years into the future, God is still silent.

I have stopped believing in God a long time ago. I have decided that not even an all-powerful being like him can fix everything that's happened to me now. But even if that's the case, that's really what I don't care about. What I care about is, WHY ME? WHY US? Are we really more fun to watch suffer than other people? Am I really so amusing to watch whenever I cry in my sleep, attempt to kill myself, device plans on how to possibly make things better, even when I know none of those plans will work? Is it really so fun to watch me try and struggle through life, reaching out for my brother's hand, and just as I was about to reach his hand, it goes further again? Am I really so amusing to watch whenever I dream of the times of our childhood, and wish that everything could go back the way it was?

It seems the answer to all those questions is yes, for until now, God has been silent. And if he's silent now, sixty-fucking-five years later, I know he will be silent in the future. Forever silent.

And I am forever alone. Is there really no one to help me to get through this? Not even Yao-san can help me. Even he is losing hope. But he's still trying to help. But he can't do it alone; no one is helping! It's as if the whole world wants to make me and my brother fight. It was as if we were one of those professional boxers, punching each other senseless without being stopped, while the whole world crowded around the ring and urged us on to punch, to fight.

WHY ME, WHY ME? Why not Russia? Why not America? Why not some random, obscure island off the coast of Australia? Why not Hawaii? Why not Cuba? Hell, Cuba is even better off than me! Why me?!

Why am I born into this world? Is suffering the pain, suffering, anguish, and longing for my brother who I can't even hold, is that all of the reasons why I was born? Why is everything happening to me? What exactly have I done so wrong? Did I do something really, really, really extreme in my previous life? Did I defile heaven by eating something I shouldn't have? Did I kill an animal that I shouldn't have? Did I uproot a root that I shouldn't have?! WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I DONE WRONG?!

I have done nothing wrong. In my sixteen years of living, I have done nothing wrong that makes me deserve something like this. The pain and anguish of being separated from my brother, combined with the fact that I have to go against him, eventually have to fire a gun at him again... Did I really deserve all that? Did I really do something very wrong that made me deserve all this?

Why the hell am I suffering? Why?! WHY THE FUCK CAN NO ONE ANSWER THIS QUESTION FOR ME?!

WHY ME? WHY DID YOU CHOOSE ME, OH GOD? ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME?

WHY? WHY? WHY?

I just want to know the answer. Whatever the fuck it is, I just want an answer. If I find out what the answer is, then maybe I can live with myself. If I find out what the reason is, then maybe, just maybe, I can endure, and hope that everything will be alright someday.

Hope. That seems like such a foreign word to my tongue, now. I have absolutely lost all hope, that I don't even dare speak out the word. There really, basically, isn't any hope left. I'm stuck out here in the darkness forever, alone, and there's nothing I can do about it. Nothing anyone can do about it.

And from the looks of recent events, I now know everyone's against me. The nations themselves might not be against me, but I know that their bosses are. That, alone, makes them against me. There's no one left, except China. He's the only one, and yet, even he is faltering away.

To be honest, I am just waiting for the collapse of my regime. I don't care what government type it is. All I care about is hugging my brother close without hiding, running to him and kissing him (in a brotherly way) without the fear of getting caught. I don't want to act as though loving my own fucking brother is illegal. Because right now, it is.

I... I really just want to give up. I just want to die. I just want to... I just want to rest. I want to give up on everything. I want to be swallowed up by the darkness, if that's what I have to do in order to achieve peace. I don't want to be caught in between this mess anymore. I don't want these things to happen anymore. FUCKING HELL, I DON'T WANT TO BE ALIVE ANYMORE, BOTTOM LINE.

I wish, I really, really, really wish, that I had just died back in the 90s. I wish that I had just starved myself to death, instead of helping prop the country back up. But I was optimistic back then, thinking that if I just get through everything, everything would be alright again. I sincerely believed in the notion of a light at the end of a dark tunnel. I sincerely believed that everything was going to get better, everything was going to go uphill.

But boy, how I quickly realized how wrong I was in that respect.

And for that, I deeply regret trying to survive. I deeply regret not giving up, not giving in to Death's welcoming arms. Who would have known that death was a better choice for me? Who would have known that things were not going to get better, but worse? Who knew that I was moving downhill, then getting to the end of the slope, I move downhill some more?

History is cruel. Life is cruel. I want to die. I really want to die.

I want to not care about things anymore. I want to not care about anything anymore. I want to be able to say "fuck you all" and flip my middle finger and walk out of this whole mess.

Or I want a game console, a game console that controlled life. I want to be able to press the ‘start’ button, hit restart, and start my game all over again, and make sure I make the right decisions in order to play my life right. And then maybe, maybe if I could do that… If I could get my hands on a game console and hit restart… then maybe, maybe I would make wiser decisions that would lead me to living a different life right now, a peaceful life with my one and only family. And whenever I mess up, I can just re-hit the restart button, and start all over again.

I just want peace. I just want to be together with my brother. I don’t even care if we’re poor, I just want to be together with him. Is that too much to ask? Most people would ask for a bag of riches, and they would get it. Most people would ask for a place of power, and they would get it. Those weigh more than what I ask, right?

Or is it too much to ask? Is my happiness too much of a burden for God, which is why he’s doing all this? Is my happiness too much to ask for? Is my happiness worth more than a bag or riches and a place of power combined, that it’s too expensive of a burden for God to grant?

Why? Why is it so? Why can other people be happy, but not me? Why can other people be the conqueror, and I the conquered? Why must other people be my enemies, leaving me with only a single ally? Why me? Why not some other country? WHY ME?

I don't understand this. I don’t want to live anymore. I don’t even really want to live for my people anymore. I don’t want to live for brainwashed fuckers who think they’re living in a socialist paradise.

But see… I don’t even have a choice, right? Fuck being a nation. Fuck eternal life. I hate this. I just want to die, to rest. I just want to go to a place where I don’t have to worry about anything more than whether to eat kimchi or beef for dinner. I want to be in a place that my brother and I could freely hang out together.

I regret not spending enough time with him when we were still together. As they say, one really does miss something so much once they’re gone, because they realize the importance of that thing. I feared I didn’t spend enough time with my brother. I just… I just feel like I’ve wronged him in that way. And if given another chance, I would have spent more time with him than I ever would.

The whole world is against me. Everyone, even Kiku. All of them, except Yao-san. All of them are against me. All of them want to see me continually suffer, and I don’t even know what I did.

I wish we weren’t the representatives of the nation of Korea. I wish the Korean peninsula wasn’t located right between China, Russia, and Japan. I wish we lived somewhere else. I wish we represented something else. Or better yet, I wish we weren’t fucking nations.

I’m 16 years old. I’ve been 16 for about 65 years now. Yes, we age, but not as fast as humans. I dread having this kind of life.

I just want someone to pop a bullet in the middle of my head. I just want someone to slice me in half with a sword. I’ve tried to kill myself multiple times, believe me, and I couldn’t do it. I don’t why, but I can’t do it. I tried jumping off a cliff, but decided to step back at the last minute. I can’t ever work up the courage to press the trigger or stab myself in the heart. Even though I’m so hopeless, even though I so desperately wanted to die… I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t.

I just want to go back to the way things were. I want to go back to being a kid. I want to go back to the times I was raising Yong Soo in peace, scolding him because he had picked the wrong kind of fruit again. I want to go back to the state of ignorance, of not knowing anything in this world. I want to go back to everything before we were discovered. I want to go back to the past, the past where there is no Russia, no America, no nothing, just me and my brother. I want to go back to that time. I want to go back to believing in everything and knowing nothing at all.* I want to go back to my innocent state, where I knew nothing else except when the best season to plant rice is.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know who to go to.

I want to shout for help, but I know no one can hear me. And even if they did, no one can help me.

I’m alone, I’m completely alone.

Someone please just kill me.

Someone please give me peace.

Someone please put me out of my misery.

Someone please give me back my childhood.

Someone please take me back in time and let me be happy with my brother.

Someone please… someone.

*lyrics from "Field of Innocence" by Evanescence.